Finally on a break from school. I can sleep!
Christmas is about to be here. Only a few days...Once again, I'm working graveyards on all the holidays and my family is not even close. But, this time, my best friend is gone too. And, many of my other close friends are going home. Fortunately, I have a few close friends around. I believe I will be sleeping the day away and then going to have dinner at a friend's house. (Yay!!)
I feel weird right now. I'm not sad, but I want to cry. There is something stirring in my belly...what are You doing, Holy? I feel anxious but not without hope. I feel uncertain but not fearful. I go to a school where we seek God every day but I can't tell you the last time I just laid down and asked Holy to talk to me. Sure -- I pray probably all night when I work and I pray throughout the day...but, just laying there with no distractions and no where to be for hours and no one around...don't know when the last time that happened was...maybe August. Shoot me. AH.
After I finish with this distraction, I will go do that. Certainly. I will wait to hang up my piles of laundry. I will not watch anymore FRIENDS. I will not get on Facebook or fmylife.com.
Father, are You listening? Something has to change tonight.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
"Oh, what a beauty for Me. Set apart this dream for Me!"
I've been listening to the new Flyleaf album almost non-stop since it's release about a month ago. These songs are simply epic. I am so blessed by this album. One song, "Break Your Knees" has a lyric that says, "Don't look at the past again. The First and Last has made everything new and you are too - so lift your head and let your story be told."
So, I started thinking about my "story." I started thinking about my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship and also had family things going on. I was broken, depressed, belittled, devalued, etc. [insert more pitiful words]
I take a step into my mind's eye and revisit that night. June 7, 2002. Warda, Texas. It was a humid, summer night. Countless teenagers stood outside under bright moonlight around a swimming pool. Some were on their face. Some stood with their eyes closed. While some still stood as onlookers, uninvolved. I started out that night as an onlooker. I watched these people cry, scream, shake...I was skeptical. I see Jesus walk towards me slowly. By this time, I was probably on my face searching for who knows what. Searching to feel something, I know that. Searching for a reason to not fear men. Searching for a reason to allow their touch and feel safe. Searching for someone to love me. Searching for someone to find beauty in me.
As I stand off to the side in my memory...I watch my younger self be so uncertain. "He gave me the right. Costing me His life, new mercies in the morning!" "Forgive me, relieve me...I believe! What if I believe You now?" I watch Him pick me up and cradle me...He allowed me to be the one who was taken care of. He allowed me to be held and focused on.
What a love story...what a pursuit. I was in a most dangerous position...raised in church, lived a life of upmost moral values...what could I FEEL like I needed a Savior for? "Who am I that You would bring me this far?" But, I did need a Savior. I still had fallen beneath the standard. And, I was so broken. Sometimes, it's not our choices that we need saving from...sometimes we have to be saved from the choices of others that break us. And, we have to lift our head and let our stories be told because we have survived. And, there's only ONE reason we have survived. One Savior. One Love. "No Man shows greater love than when a Man lays down His life for His BELOVED."
I can go back to that night and see the footprints of a relentless Pursuer. And I feel like I have this huge secret because I know how He sought after me. And I feel so loved. And I feel like there's this huge love story that would rival any story ever told. "If you choose Me, I am waiting for you." And it all just kind of hit me one day while listening to Flyleaf. "It's too much, You're too much." I am so loved. I have been told that almost on the daily at Bethel. But, I finally realized it. Something shifted. Some mindset was brought into alignment. I've never been in love...haha Until now, I didn't know what it felt like. I loved God...and He loved me, duh. But, I'm starting to feel that feeling. It's jittery. It's giddy. It's all-encompassing. It's numbing. It's safe. It's like this big thing everyone wants but no one would understand this THING between you and Him. They can view it...but it's OURS. They can't have what's mine. They can have their own thing. But, this one is MINE.
"Tonight, I become the most dazzling, precious treasure. I am treasured over all the earth!"
So, I started thinking about my "story." I started thinking about my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship and also had family things going on. I was broken, depressed, belittled, devalued, etc. [insert more pitiful words]
I take a step into my mind's eye and revisit that night. June 7, 2002. Warda, Texas. It was a humid, summer night. Countless teenagers stood outside under bright moonlight around a swimming pool. Some were on their face. Some stood with their eyes closed. While some still stood as onlookers, uninvolved. I started out that night as an onlooker. I watched these people cry, scream, shake...I was skeptical. I see Jesus walk towards me slowly. By this time, I was probably on my face searching for who knows what. Searching to feel something, I know that. Searching for a reason to not fear men. Searching for a reason to allow their touch and feel safe. Searching for someone to love me. Searching for someone to find beauty in me.
As I stand off to the side in my memory...I watch my younger self be so uncertain. "He gave me the right. Costing me His life, new mercies in the morning!" "Forgive me, relieve me...I believe! What if I believe You now?" I watch Him pick me up and cradle me...He allowed me to be the one who was taken care of. He allowed me to be held and focused on.
What a love story...what a pursuit. I was in a most dangerous position...raised in church, lived a life of upmost moral values...what could I FEEL like I needed a Savior for? "Who am I that You would bring me this far?" But, I did need a Savior. I still had fallen beneath the standard. And, I was so broken. Sometimes, it's not our choices that we need saving from...sometimes we have to be saved from the choices of others that break us. And, we have to lift our head and let our stories be told because we have survived. And, there's only ONE reason we have survived. One Savior. One Love. "No Man shows greater love than when a Man lays down His life for His BELOVED."
I can go back to that night and see the footprints of a relentless Pursuer. And I feel like I have this huge secret because I know how He sought after me. And I feel so loved. And I feel like there's this huge love story that would rival any story ever told. "If you choose Me, I am waiting for you." And it all just kind of hit me one day while listening to Flyleaf. "It's too much, You're too much." I am so loved. I have been told that almost on the daily at Bethel. But, I finally realized it. Something shifted. Some mindset was brought into alignment. I've never been in love...haha Until now, I didn't know what it felt like. I loved God...and He loved me, duh. But, I'm starting to feel that feeling. It's jittery. It's giddy. It's all-encompassing. It's numbing. It's safe. It's like this big thing everyone wants but no one would understand this THING between you and Him. They can view it...but it's OURS. They can't have what's mine. They can have their own thing. But, this one is MINE.
"Tonight, I become the most dazzling, precious treasure. I am treasured over all the earth!"
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