Beautiful breaths of life.

Sometimes when you're asleep, I just want to be there to make sure you're still breathing.

"Your best friend is not your girlfriend...It hurts" -- Angels and Airwaves

Ok, so the past month and a half has found me in a new season. This season is one that I created. But, this one I got to partner with the Holy Spirit to bring into fruition. And, He has so multiplied me for obedience and for perseverance....and He's done what comes from me intentionally being healthy.

But, here lately, I think I've realized too late --- you get to an age where you can't have an opposite sex best friend unless it's your spouse. I say this as a single person. I say this as a 25 year old single person. I have so many guy friends. Some of them I'd consider some of my closest friends. But, realizing more about boundaries and being healthy, it's just not possible to have intimacy and platonic intentions cohabitate in an opposite sex friendship. I'm talking deep intimacy....completely being known and knowing the other person...you know....that tends to happen in deep friendships. But, if you were married, it wouldn't be ok to have that with a guy friend....so, why is it okay outside of having that outlet in your life in a covenant? So, it would seem that you're using someone else to get what you really need without commitment and covenant...or, if there IS commitment and covenant -- then, it's unhealthy and awkward.

I've just become so committed to not having a male best friend. I'm paving the way for my future husband. I'm preparing every possible situation for your entrance. I'm intentionally doing a spring-cleaning of my life for you, love.

I've drastically changed some relationships in the way that I'd have to if my husband had just walked into my life and was preparing to immediately marry me. And, it just feels good. I mean my hot musician husband isn't even here yet and the healthiness of it all just feels so so so good. It's like-- why didn't i do this before? Why didn't I get taught about the intricacies of all this? All those boundary/intimacy talks at Bethel were really geared towards actual romantic relationships....telling guys to step up and step out...telling women to let them pursue and to be honest and respectful and all that blah blah blah....but, they didn't tell you what to do when you had a male best friend. What to do when your relationship with him had no boundaries but was so close that changing anything seemed to encroach upon the intimacy you had cultivated and didn't want to lose. What to do when you had to end a "friendship" because he was just your play boyfriend but it killed you because he was legitimately one of your very best friends and the lack of titles just made explanation awkward...

Someone needs to talk about this.

How is it okay to have an opposite best friend that you're not dating/married to? Really now.... at what point did your intimacy get too.... intimate...

People don't truly understand boundaries.

People don't understand why they're important. why they matter. how they help. how free you can be. how healthy you can be. how necessary being healthy is.

And, for the first time...I do.

Excerpts from "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne PART THREE

Any time we make a radical conversion, there is the danger that people will say we are being brainwashed or are joining a cult.
We need minds that are renewed and uncluttered so they are free to dream again.

...people come forward with fire in their eyes and say, 'We have been dreaming the same dreams.' ...

Jesus is not seeking distant acts of charity. He seeks concrete acts of love.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness." (Matt 5:6) In the Hebrew, the same word is used for righteousness and JUSTICE!!

Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves.

...the gospel of abundance rooted in the theology of enough.

Question to ask yourself...

How many people make you feel extraordinary?

--Marley & Me

Excerpts from "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne PART TWO

Few people are interested in a religion that has nothing to say to the world and offers them only life after death, when what people are really wondering is whether there is life before death.

We are about ending poverty, not simply managing it.

We have described the layers of our common life as an onion, at the core of which are the partners who covenant to love and cherish each other (the hardest and most beautiful thing we do), and each of us shares healthy responsibilities and expectations. We've hashed out our nonnegotiables and tried to understand those we do not agree with.

Jesus did not seek out the rich and powerful in order to trickle down his Kingdom.

"We are trying to shout the gospel with our lives." -- Sister Margaret

People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world. People are not crucified for helping poor people. People are crucified for joining them.

It's easy to see these things as spectacular, but I really believe that's only because we live in a world that has lost its imagination.

Excerpts from "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne

New prophets are rising up who try to change the future, not just predict it. There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and and becomes the the church it dreams of. And this little revolution is irresistible. It is a contagious revolution that dances, laughs, and loves.

Little people with big dreams are reimagining the world.

The point is not to give you all of the answers but to stir up some of the questions. Some of us haven't even asked the right questions, or found a church that would let us.

Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived.

May we continue to feed each other hope as we dance God's revolution together.

It becomes hard to know who Jesus really is, much less to imagine that Jesus ever laughed, cried, or had poop that smelled.

I came to realize that preachers were telling me to lay my life at the foot of the cross and weren't giving me anything to pick up.

...suffocated by Christianity but thirsty for God.

I wanted to see passion.

reckless, unguarded worship...like they believed in heaven and hell [and] cried and worshiped like they were actually encountering God.

At least they have a sense of urgency and passion and live as if what they are saying is true (religious fanatics who stand on street corners)

I wanted miracles to be normal again. He told me that we have insulated ourselves from miracles. We no longer live with such reckless faith that we need them.

We saw a homeless man lay a pack of cigarettes in the offering plate because it was all he had.

Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet."

I felt so thirsty for God, so embarrassed by Christianity, and so ready for something more.

"We are called not to be successful but to be faithful." -- Mother Theresa

tension between efficiency and faithfulness.

"It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." -- Mother Theresa

Namaste means "I honor the Holy One who lives in you."

What had lasting significance were not the miracles themselves but Jesus' love...It wasn't that Jesus healed a leper but that he touched a leper, because no one touched lepers.

A new community marked by interdependence and sacrificial love.

People always want to define you by what you do. I started saying, "I'm not too concerned with what I am going to do. I am more interested in who I am becoming. I want to be a lover of God and people." What we do is not nearly as important as who we are.

We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours.

"I dare you to hope for more."

Faith, hope, and love.

I feel like God is showing me so many aspects of these three things. He's showing me how they're all intertwined in ways that would seem almost bizarre. Jesus says, "The greatest of these is love." But, because of love, we will have faith and hope. So, they're never far from one another. I'm not sure that they exist apart from one another.

But, right now, it's all about hope. Hope is so wrapped up in faith. It's basically believing something greater....both of those things are expectancy of better. Faith is like the drive behind hope. Faith inspires us to hope...because hope is the heartbeat of atmosphere changes.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that we change things with our words and with hope. Our words, which carry life in them, draw on change.

And, it's only out of love --because perfect love is devoid of manipulation and control-- that we will change, with our words and our hope, anything that comes against love. So, the things that come up next to and within love are pure and saturating. So, it's not manipulative or controlling to draw on love and safety and grace...

But, what is it inside of me that feels like if I pull on love and hope right now for a certain situation, that it will be manipulating? I know it's not my heart. I think I've figured out that I don't know where his heart is. I feel like I always have to appeal to the Christlike portion of something to get his attention. It's like I have to show him what is actually love and grace and pure and almost like telling him it's "wrong" to do otherwise if we are going to live like Christ. It's like punishment gets his attention...or failure.... So, I feel like I have to leave it just completely up to him. I can't appeal to the spirit within him...I can't point out the nature of the Lord's character.... because then it's like pointing out his weakness and faults and -- is it really pulling him higher? It's never my heart to make him feel like punishment or failure should get his attention... but, in the back of my mind, i know..or maybe just assume/think.. that it's not where his heart is right now. His heart isn't centered on walking in the Spirit so fully that love conquers all....grace and hope change things.... and sacrifice is worth it.

But, what about loving someone by loving them as "if" they're the person they want to be? I don't think I really know how to do that in a way that calls out greatness.... I know I want to live like that and i want to UNDERSTAND how to do that. I want to know the inner workings of the heartbeat of God that loves in such a way that always thinks the best and draws out destiny. It sounds great in words and all that... but, how does that work? How does that work when hearts have been so broken? How does that work when trust has never been fully given because it just absolutely does not exist to a full capacity in a relationship?

I want it to work. I don't want to be stifled in such a way that i can't trust and I can't love... I mean,i want to love so fully and completely and amazingly that i can go back again and again and try and try and walk with someone through things. But, I don't want to be a scapegoat and a doormat.

Such tension.

I want to find the balance.

Hope.

–noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that eventswill turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is littleor no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constanthope.

–verb (used with object)

6.

to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.

to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will besatisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.

to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.

Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually followed by in ).

—Idiom

10.

hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlookdoes not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for achange in her condition.

I will not forget that nothing is impossible.

Who can nail down one exact moment or one thing that was too far that alienates you from another person?

Even from the Holy Spirit.... at one point were you not able to feel Him, hear Him, find Him like before....

It's usually a culmination of moments, thoughts, ideas, actions...

The other day, I had this talk with God that was hugely intense. It restored a standard between us. It restored a standard of intimacy that had been weathered and not attended to. I got "my eyes" back and even then they were better...more learned, heightened, more wisdom, more experienced...

But, I sat in my car and literally wept for awhile. I was weeping so hard that my body became weak and I felt the release of months of pent up pain come rolling out. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to fill it all up with Himself because too often I welcome pain to fill me because I ignore it. Apathy becomes deadly to my soul and to my own body.

He is doing so much. I have felt like it's a step back. Some of it is restoring to me parts of my personality that I have hidden because of pain or shame... but, when He restores what I lost, I still have all this experience and knowledge that I've gained since I hid these things. So, essentially, my gain is crazy huge.

I've always been a romantic. But, even so in friendships. If I feel drawn to someone strongly and inexplicably, I feel this sense that it was "meant to be." So, I fight with my very core for what I want and what I desire. I believe to the end that it was meant to be and it's worth fighting for. I've tried to tone that down and I've become ashamed of my tendency to love that deeply. But, I'm finding this ridiculously awesome aspect of God's character in that part of me. So, now I'm feeling like I see grace, love, hope, restoration, and strength in something that I labeled as shameful.

Something has happened here recently. Something beautiful.

Something I won't let apathy take away again.