I washed my wounds with tears of hope.

I've always been this deeply feeling person. I feel shifts in atmosphere and in the spirit very deeply. I would cry when something ended...."the end of an era"... "one door closes for another to open"....give it whatever cliche you want. But, I'd feel it to my very core. I would mourn the loss of what had changed my life. I used to mourn over my choices. When I was a little girl, I remember one time that I literally cried because I felt like I should've chosen a different watch at the store -- and since I was at the mercy of my parent's dollar, I couldn't take my choice back. I always weigh my choices even though I usually make decisions quickly. I'm just a quick thinker.

I'm deeply moved by the words of other people. It's why I devour books. It's why I am so moved by the lyrical portion of songs. It's why words are like promises to me. It's how I relate.

Tonight, I sat in my car and cried for maybe a solid minute (60 seconds is a long time to cry solid if you think about it....I usually don't cry solid for very long...it's usually in spurts) because this band that LITERALLY changed my life called it quits. Or basically they indefinitely put off making music together... but, it wasn't just how this band changed my life or how they didn't even know the ways that they have orchestrated huge, massive changes in my life (this is so not even an exaggeration)... it was the blog that the lead singer wrote and how I felt it right along with him. I felt his loss as deeply as he did.

It was always such a release for me to cry and feel things deeply. After being deeply hurt by a boy not that long ago, I literally hid portions of myself FROM myself. I cut off that part of me that deeply felt things that shifted and, unintentionally, cut off a part of me that felt things that hurt the Spirit... not even things that I did....just things that made Him sad. I saw them differently....I distanced myself from them because, honestly, i was tired of feeling that deeply. I was tired of hurting over things. I was tired of feeling the brutality of pain. I was tired of going through the waves of emotion and always coming back and back and back....

I can't even finish these thoughts right now.... I'm back to the place and I just can't stop crying and feeling and..... thinking....

In these words, you find my life.

A lot of times music will stir my soul to such a point that I start fantasizing about being alone with God. I feel such a drawing to be alone with Him anywhere...absolutely anywhere... but, every single time, I am with journal in hand. I am absolutely scribbling away. Furiously. Hair falling in my face. Determination.

As I view this scene in my mind's eye, I can't help but feel like my words matter far more than I dream that they do. I feel words stirring in my bones and veins that need to be heard. But, I'm not sure of my message. I'm not sure of the intent. I only know that I'm relaying something. While anyone that knows me knows that the finished work of the Cross, inner healing, prophecy, and the inerrant goodness of God should and would be a theme, I oft wonder which story needs to be shared. Which experience? What lesson learned? What is my intent?

Mostly, I feel like there's something inside of me bursting to get out. I feel unsettled because it's not out of me. I feel unsettled because it's merely stirring inside of me -- this whirlwind of actual life-giving energy. It's almost as if things won't happen. Things won't be as they should. Unless I speak. Unless I write. Unless I pour out my heart on the canvas of any paper I can get my hands on. This is how I paint. How I create. How I give. How I love.

My words. Life. They are tangible. They are electric objects. They can be touched. They can spark you.

It draws such a sense of wonder at this life we lead to know that there is greatness residing in one's self and to be okay with your greatness and to feel responsible for your greatness and to want to steward your greatness.

The things that could happen are overwhelmingly tantalizing.

"I will worship while I'm waiting."

‎''there is no circumstance He can't change, no hand dealt to you with which He can't win. . . .''

To some, this would seem trivial.

But, to my heart, it's everything.

And, He is showing me how to stand in the middle of uncertainty...to not be ruled by anxiety... to not try to control what i can't and to not control even if i could...

He is showing me what peace looks like even when it still hurts.

Vulnerability.

Honesty.

Waiting.

Waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting.

Beautiful mystery.

How can you feel something prophetically and know that because it is prophetic that it's foreseeing yet still feel unsure about what you're feeling because it's not happening yet?!

Today.

2011:The Year for Breakthrough

Today, at 11 am, I have my first sozo in a year and a half. And, if some of my older blog posts might show, it's been quite a year and a half. I'm in need of a clean up...I'm in need of a BREAKTHROUGH. Today will be completely epic. Today will change the rest of my entire life. Today, more than one thing is going to radically shift.

The Fascination that IS other people.

I read a book in one day this past weekend.

"Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky yet Authentic Spiritual Memoir" by Susan E. Isaacs -- completely changed my life..so much revelation....I mean, like "The Shack" - level revelation here. Such a good read....but, anyways.....

I have been wanting to write a book.

But, now I'm struggling with the whole fact or fiction. Do I want some literary genius like "The Shack" which is fiction, but revolutionary and revealing... or autobiographical like Susan's book, but still just as revolutionary and revealing.

Jury is still out.

But, in Susan's book, I saw why I love reading autobiographies, blogs, etc.... I love people. I love how they view things. I love the stories of their journey. I love learning things from them.

The next day was Sunday and I was in the overflow room at church. There are probably two revival groups in there and I commented to my friend, "Oh, it's sad that I can walk in here and not know absolutely anybody when even last year and the year before, I'd know millions (haha) of people." But, I sat around and glanced at the faces and realized how interested I would be (literally, this is not a joke) to read the "memoir" of each person.

You see, I find myself to be absolutely incredible. I find myself interesting and my story thus far to be absolutely breathtaking. And, sometimes, when I look at my more shallow friendships and some of the things we do together or talk about, i WILL stop and think, "I wonder what they would think if they knew ____ about my life." How would they look at me differently? Would they value this information?

All I know is people can learn from me. Their life could change because of something I've been through and them knowing how I handled it and then seeing me now...

My words are powerful and important.

I know this because it's true of everyone I see around me.

People just absolutely move me.

But, I still want to write a literary masterpiece that causes an uproar and makes an impact :)

i.e. "The Shack".... Francis Chin....even frideeken Dan Brown with "the Da Vinci Code"....

I like to challenge people. I like to go outside the norm. I like to dream and I like to do what people think I shouldn't because it scares them....but, it doesn't scare me. Yes, that's right...

I'll go there.

Narrowing Down Dreams:Starting with a Vision.

I don't remember if they did this in first year at Bethel or not, but, in second year, we had to make a list of 100 dreams we wanted for our life. It could be absolutely anything...owning a boat to igniting revival in the entire world. Well, maybe a bit more narrowed down than the latter (but could/would lead up to such).

I never finished mine.

i think i had 15.

I don't even know where my meager list is now.

I don't think I even saved it in my binder...at all...

I think I just did some to keep my homework up to date.

That's not the right attitude for something so brilliant.

I wonder if I did it now how many of those would be short term that I could accomplish with my next income tax return... a new external hard drive. A new windshield for my car.

Are those really DREAMS or just random things I want? Whereas an actual dream that is a WANT for me would be something like always having the most up-to-date digital camera...I still have never gotten my digital SLR camera.

I thought maybe if I tried to broaden it a bit, it would help me to narrow it down to 100 specifics...yes, a year after I was assigned this, I am doing it of my own accord.

I think one thing I'm scared of is writing down 100 dreams that I'm not even sure I really want...they're like "maybe dreams." Example of one would be getting my PhD in Psychology...at this point, I'm wondering where finishing school fits into my life or forseeable future even.

The overall dream of my life can be summed up in one word.

Bet you thought it'd be revival, ay?

It's LEGACY.

Revival has never survived longer than one generation. We have studied that at Bethel. So, yes, I am interested in revival and reformation. Like legit revival and reformation...not the fun, revolutionary words that stir up your heart....but the actual action and longevity of real revival and reformation. But, these things are tied in with legacy. If you ignite revival and reformation with legacy on the brain, you are thinking forward. You are thinking about future generations. You are thinking about the betterment of what you will never see. I want future generations to live out of revival and reformation that I sparked...but, I want it to be so impactful that it changes things and lasts...so, my legacy will never be an idea or a former flame of hope. It will be a living organism that is constantly recreated and regenerated...so, the legacy lives on.

What cliche can I use to make my point? A starfish that multiplies when you cut off an appendage and doesn't die...so what looks like failure creates greater success...the "failure" is short-term and after the greater success could never even be termed a failure.

A star...something that has "died" a million years ago but is still shining bright.

I don't need cliches.

I just need a plan.

So, I'm starting with a vision.

There's this old song by a contemporary Christian group named Truth called "Living Life Upside Down." My dad used to sing this song often.

These lyrics have always gripped me since my parents made me go picket at abortion clinics:

"We’ve got a program for saving the Earth

While unborn children are denied their right to birth

One baby blessed, another cursed

Well have we made this world better or worse

Now that the life of a tree comes first

You say we’ve risen to a new age of light

You’re telling me what used to be wrong is now right."

I don't think the world is getting worse. We live in this great technology age. We are constantly moving forward. It's beautiful. It's empowering. It's the greatest evidence of the evolution of the human mind. Ideas build on top of each other at great speeds.

What IS getting worse is the mindsets of the world. Maybe you can't even term it "worse" but term it "the same." How are we the same as the barbaric times of Bible stories?
Quite simply, it is this:

We don't value life.

Who are the people who make a difference? They know all they have is this one life. They don't skate by. They don't struggle to survive. They have vision for doing something great.

If we valued LIFE, we would value the lives of those around as well as ourselves. Most of us don't value OURSELVES, so that impacts everything we ever do. The deadbeat guy that walks out on his pregnant girlfriend.... He's not valuing the impact of life he created. He doesn't see how important HE is to this baby and to his girlfriend. If he understood how amazing and important he was, he wouldn't walk out. (Well, and he probably would understand how amazing and important SHE is and draw her up to that knowledge too and would provide her with commitment, safety, love,etc)

That's just an example. Yes, everything is wrapped up in God and everything is wrapped up in love. But, one thing that moves me beyond all movement is the beautiful wonder that God wants to go along for the ride.

People view God as dictator and have a very warped view of sovreignty. Over the past probably six months I have had so much insight on how God wants to be given a place in our lives. What is the most important word in that sentence?

God? yes....but, no: GIVEN.

Funny how people can believe that salvation is a choice, but they can't believe God moving in our lives is also a choice. He created this giant bubble for us to live on and dominate and wants to be invited to make it great. But, He will also stand back and let us do with it what we will....same with our lives. If our salvation isn't something forced on us, why would people think that miracles are forced on us as well? That's what prayer is for... Prayer isn't us just talking about what God's already doing...... it's inviting Him to change things. Otherwise, if God was already going to do these great things, why would we have to ask Him to do so? I wonder what people think prayer really is.

Prayer is like a ball rolling.

I see it as some things God is already orchestrating because somebody already set that ball into motion. God is doing miracles in people's lives that didn't ask....saving somebody from dying, providing financially....but what makes you think that someone else didn't ask Him? Someone that was partnering with Him 100 years ago...they prayed for their future generations. Somebody set it into motion for you. Look at their legacy...you're reaping those benefits.

So, some people don't like to pray. They think God's already doing these great things...but, we matter in this equation. HE PARTNERS WITH US AND OUR IDEAS! What are we going to now set into motion? Which ball are we going to continue rolling? If people were to value prayer, what could they change? What new ball could start rolling that would rock this generation?

You have to pray it because 100 years ago, they didn't know what we know. But, they started the ball rolling.....

Keep it rolling.

Change things.

Because of what you start, 100 years from now, they'll be pushing the ball you started rolling...something new that will be built on what's new for us now.