Hope.

–noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that eventswill turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is littleor no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constanthope.

–verb (used with object)

6.

to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.

to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will besatisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.

to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.

Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually followed by in ).

—Idiom

10.

hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlookdoes not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for achange in her condition.

I will not forget that nothing is impossible.

Who can nail down one exact moment or one thing that was too far that alienates you from another person?

Even from the Holy Spirit.... at one point were you not able to feel Him, hear Him, find Him like before....

It's usually a culmination of moments, thoughts, ideas, actions...

The other day, I had this talk with God that was hugely intense. It restored a standard between us. It restored a standard of intimacy that had been weathered and not attended to. I got "my eyes" back and even then they were better...more learned, heightened, more wisdom, more experienced...

But, I sat in my car and literally wept for awhile. I was weeping so hard that my body became weak and I felt the release of months of pent up pain come rolling out. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to fill it all up with Himself because too often I welcome pain to fill me because I ignore it. Apathy becomes deadly to my soul and to my own body.

He is doing so much. I have felt like it's a step back. Some of it is restoring to me parts of my personality that I have hidden because of pain or shame... but, when He restores what I lost, I still have all this experience and knowledge that I've gained since I hid these things. So, essentially, my gain is crazy huge.

I've always been a romantic. But, even so in friendships. If I feel drawn to someone strongly and inexplicably, I feel this sense that it was "meant to be." So, I fight with my very core for what I want and what I desire. I believe to the end that it was meant to be and it's worth fighting for. I've tried to tone that down and I've become ashamed of my tendency to love that deeply. But, I'm finding this ridiculously awesome aspect of God's character in that part of me. So, now I'm feeling like I see grace, love, hope, restoration, and strength in something that I labeled as shameful.

Something has happened here recently. Something beautiful.

Something I won't let apathy take away again.

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.

I've always been this deeply feeling person. I feel shifts in atmosphere and in the spirit very deeply. I would cry when something ended...."the end of an era"... "one door closes for another to open"....give it whatever cliche you want. But, I'd feel it to my very core. I would mourn the loss of what had changed my life. I used to mourn over my choices. When I was a little girl, I remember one time that I literally cried because I felt like I should've chosen a different watch at the store -- and since I was at the mercy of my parent's dollar, I couldn't take my choice back. I always weigh my choices even though I usually make decisions quickly. I'm just a quick thinker.

I'm deeply moved by the words of other people. It's why I devour books. It's why I am so moved by the lyrical portion of songs. It's why words are like promises to me. It's how I relate.

Tonight, I sat in my car and cried for maybe a solid minute (60 seconds is a long time to cry solid if you think about it....I usually don't cry solid for very long...it's usually in spurts) because this band that LITERALLY changed my life called it quits. Or basically they indefinitely put off making music together... but, it wasn't just how this band changed my life or how they didn't even know the ways that they have orchestrated huge, massive changes in my life (this is so not even an exaggeration)... it was the blog that the lead singer wrote and how I felt it right along with him. I felt his loss as deeply as he did.

It was always such a release for me to cry and feel things deeply. After being deeply hurt by a boy not that long ago, I literally hid portions of myself FROM myself. I cut off that part of me that deeply felt things that shifted and, unintentionally, cut off a part of me that felt things that hurt the Spirit... not even things that I did....just things that made Him sad. I saw them differently....I distanced myself from them because, honestly, i was tired of feeling that deeply. I was tired of hurting over things. I was tired of feeling the brutality of pain. I was tired of going through the waves of emotion and always coming back and back and back....

I can't even finish these thoughts right now.... I'm back to the place and I just can't stop crying and feeling and..... thinking....

In these words, you find my life.

A lot of times music will stir my soul to such a point that I start fantasizing about being alone with God. I feel such a drawing to be alone with Him anywhere...absolutely anywhere... but, every single time, I am with journal in hand. I am absolutely scribbling away. Furiously. Hair falling in my face. Determination.

As I view this scene in my mind's eye, I can't help but feel like my words matter far more than I dream that they do. I feel words stirring in my bones and veins that need to be heard. But, I'm not sure of my message. I'm not sure of the intent. I only know that I'm relaying something. While anyone that knows me knows that the finished work of the Cross, inner healing, prophecy, and the inerrant goodness of God should and would be a theme, I oft wonder which story needs to be shared. Which experience? What lesson learned? What is my intent?

Mostly, I feel like there's something inside of me bursting to get out. I feel unsettled because it's not out of me. I feel unsettled because it's merely stirring inside of me -- this whirlwind of actual life-giving energy. It's almost as if things won't happen. Things won't be as they should. Unless I speak. Unless I write. Unless I pour out my heart on the canvas of any paper I can get my hands on. This is how I paint. How I create. How I give. How I love.

My words. Life. They are tangible. They are electric objects. They can be touched. They can spark you.

It draws such a sense of wonder at this life we lead to know that there is greatness residing in one's self and to be okay with your greatness and to feel responsible for your greatness and to want to steward your greatness.

The things that could happen are overwhelmingly tantalizing.

"I will worship while I'm waiting."

‎''there is no circumstance He can't change, no hand dealt to you with which He can't win. . . .''

To some, this would seem trivial.

But, to my heart, it's everything.

And, He is showing me how to stand in the middle of uncertainty...to not be ruled by anxiety... to not try to control what i can't and to not control even if i could...

He is showing me what peace looks like even when it still hurts.

Vulnerability.

Honesty.

Waiting.

Waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting.

Beautiful mystery.

How can you feel something prophetically and know that because it is prophetic that it's foreseeing yet still feel unsure about what you're feeling because it's not happening yet?!

Today.

2011:The Year for Breakthrough

Today, at 11 am, I have my first sozo in a year and a half. And, if some of my older blog posts might show, it's been quite a year and a half. I'm in need of a clean up...I'm in need of a BREAKTHROUGH. Today will be completely epic. Today will change the rest of my entire life. Today, more than one thing is going to radically shift.