Finally on a break from school. I can sleep!
Christmas is about to be here. Only a few days...Once again, I'm working graveyards on all the holidays and my family is not even close. But, this time, my best friend is gone too. And, many of my other close friends are going home. Fortunately, I have a few close friends around. I believe I will be sleeping the day away and then going to have dinner at a friend's house. (Yay!!)
I feel weird right now. I'm not sad, but I want to cry. There is something stirring in my belly...what are You doing, Holy? I feel anxious but not without hope. I feel uncertain but not fearful. I go to a school where we seek God every day but I can't tell you the last time I just laid down and asked Holy to talk to me. Sure -- I pray probably all night when I work and I pray throughout the day...but, just laying there with no distractions and no where to be for hours and no one around...don't know when the last time that happened was...maybe August. Shoot me. AH.
After I finish with this distraction, I will go do that. Certainly. I will wait to hang up my piles of laundry. I will not watch anymore FRIENDS. I will not get on Facebook or fmylife.com.
Father, are You listening? Something has to change tonight.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
"Oh, what a beauty for Me. Set apart this dream for Me!"
I've been listening to the new Flyleaf album almost non-stop since it's release about a month ago. These songs are simply epic. I am so blessed by this album. One song, "Break Your Knees" has a lyric that says, "Don't look at the past again. The First and Last has made everything new and you are too - so lift your head and let your story be told."
So, I started thinking about my "story." I started thinking about my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship and also had family things going on. I was broken, depressed, belittled, devalued, etc. [insert more pitiful words]
I take a step into my mind's eye and revisit that night. June 7, 2002. Warda, Texas. It was a humid, summer night. Countless teenagers stood outside under bright moonlight around a swimming pool. Some were on their face. Some stood with their eyes closed. While some still stood as onlookers, uninvolved. I started out that night as an onlooker. I watched these people cry, scream, shake...I was skeptical. I see Jesus walk towards me slowly. By this time, I was probably on my face searching for who knows what. Searching to feel something, I know that. Searching for a reason to not fear men. Searching for a reason to allow their touch and feel safe. Searching for someone to love me. Searching for someone to find beauty in me.
As I stand off to the side in my memory...I watch my younger self be so uncertain. "He gave me the right. Costing me His life, new mercies in the morning!" "Forgive me, relieve me...I believe! What if I believe You now?" I watch Him pick me up and cradle me...He allowed me to be the one who was taken care of. He allowed me to be held and focused on.
What a love story...what a pursuit. I was in a most dangerous position...raised in church, lived a life of upmost moral values...what could I FEEL like I needed a Savior for? "Who am I that You would bring me this far?" But, I did need a Savior. I still had fallen beneath the standard. And, I was so broken. Sometimes, it's not our choices that we need saving from...sometimes we have to be saved from the choices of others that break us. And, we have to lift our head and let our stories be told because we have survived. And, there's only ONE reason we have survived. One Savior. One Love. "No Man shows greater love than when a Man lays down His life for His BELOVED."
I can go back to that night and see the footprints of a relentless Pursuer. And I feel like I have this huge secret because I know how He sought after me. And I feel so loved. And I feel like there's this huge love story that would rival any story ever told. "If you choose Me, I am waiting for you." And it all just kind of hit me one day while listening to Flyleaf. "It's too much, You're too much." I am so loved. I have been told that almost on the daily at Bethel. But, I finally realized it. Something shifted. Some mindset was brought into alignment. I've never been in love...haha Until now, I didn't know what it felt like. I loved God...and He loved me, duh. But, I'm starting to feel that feeling. It's jittery. It's giddy. It's all-encompassing. It's numbing. It's safe. It's like this big thing everyone wants but no one would understand this THING between you and Him. They can view it...but it's OURS. They can't have what's mine. They can have their own thing. But, this one is MINE.
"Tonight, I become the most dazzling, precious treasure. I am treasured over all the earth!"
So, I started thinking about my "story." I started thinking about my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship and also had family things going on. I was broken, depressed, belittled, devalued, etc. [insert more pitiful words]
I take a step into my mind's eye and revisit that night. June 7, 2002. Warda, Texas. It was a humid, summer night. Countless teenagers stood outside under bright moonlight around a swimming pool. Some were on their face. Some stood with their eyes closed. While some still stood as onlookers, uninvolved. I started out that night as an onlooker. I watched these people cry, scream, shake...I was skeptical. I see Jesus walk towards me slowly. By this time, I was probably on my face searching for who knows what. Searching to feel something, I know that. Searching for a reason to not fear men. Searching for a reason to allow their touch and feel safe. Searching for someone to love me. Searching for someone to find beauty in me.
As I stand off to the side in my memory...I watch my younger self be so uncertain. "He gave me the right. Costing me His life, new mercies in the morning!" "Forgive me, relieve me...I believe! What if I believe You now?" I watch Him pick me up and cradle me...He allowed me to be the one who was taken care of. He allowed me to be held and focused on.
What a love story...what a pursuit. I was in a most dangerous position...raised in church, lived a life of upmost moral values...what could I FEEL like I needed a Savior for? "Who am I that You would bring me this far?" But, I did need a Savior. I still had fallen beneath the standard. And, I was so broken. Sometimes, it's not our choices that we need saving from...sometimes we have to be saved from the choices of others that break us. And, we have to lift our head and let our stories be told because we have survived. And, there's only ONE reason we have survived. One Savior. One Love. "No Man shows greater love than when a Man lays down His life for His BELOVED."
I can go back to that night and see the footprints of a relentless Pursuer. And I feel like I have this huge secret because I know how He sought after me. And I feel so loved. And I feel like there's this huge love story that would rival any story ever told. "If you choose Me, I am waiting for you." And it all just kind of hit me one day while listening to Flyleaf. "It's too much, You're too much." I am so loved. I have been told that almost on the daily at Bethel. But, I finally realized it. Something shifted. Some mindset was brought into alignment. I've never been in love...haha Until now, I didn't know what it felt like. I loved God...and He loved me, duh. But, I'm starting to feel that feeling. It's jittery. It's giddy. It's all-encompassing. It's numbing. It's safe. It's like this big thing everyone wants but no one would understand this THING between you and Him. They can view it...but it's OURS. They can't have what's mine. They can have their own thing. But, this one is MINE.
"Tonight, I become the most dazzling, precious treasure. I am treasured over all the earth!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Title Withheld.
"No one came as close to making me feel whole. I just thought that you should know."
Piss.
Piss.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Posture of Honor.
Notes I took from church this morning....super impacted me. Danny totally put me in my place about some things. dang.
November 8, 2009 --- Danny Silk --- Bethel AM
Posture:to assume an affected or exaggerated pose or attitude
Honor:elevated/glory/respect/prestige
Posture of Honor:to exaggerate how you practice honor in your life toward others
We can do things on purpose or on accident -- but we are supposed to be intentional people. Our honor towards people should be intentional.
Practices in Life
*To give or receive honor
*To build or tear down honor
Our practices in life will either move us closer or farther apart.
Honor continually moves us closer
Jesus always moved closer...even to "scary" people -- the leper, the Pharisees, etc.
You can feel justified because you have built a case against them. You can continually hold their mistakes before you. But you are tearing your honor down. And, when you are then dishonoring people, they can feel your dishonor and disassociation when you're around them.
Honor cultivates peace no matter what. If you are honoring someone, you can be around them and feel at total peace. When you are dishonoring someone, you will crawl out of your skin when you're around them.
In the Bible we see this phrase so often::
"...One Another..."
Hebrews 10:24 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Wanting distance violates core values.
Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
Some translations say "prefer one another" "preferring" is like saying "I understand what you need." Honor is empowering what they need even when you need something from them as well.
Honor is demonstrated in our most intimate relationships.
Recognize one another according to the Spirit. Romans 15:7 "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."
What tools do you have to do that? Jesus interacts with people according to their destiny. Hope never leaves a relationship when you are focused on their destiny and who they really are.
The value of our relationships is what motivates us.
Relationships are a big deal because they represent the QUALITY of our relationship with the Lord.
Eph 4:30 "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."
I Thess 5:19 "Do not quench the Spirit."
These are deeply relational instructions. Basically: Don't break His heart and don't disconnect.
Your posture of honor is to protect the most important relationship in your life::the connection to the love of God.
What keeps us growing as ONE? Held together by honor, trust, love...(Colossians 1:16-17)
November 8, 2009 --- Danny Silk --- Bethel AM
The Posture of Honor
"...in Him all things hold together." Col 1:17
Posture:to assume an affected or exaggerated pose or attitude
Honor:elevated/glory/respect/prestige
Posture of Honor:to exaggerate how you practice honor in your life toward others
We can do things on purpose or on accident -- but we are supposed to be intentional people. Our honor towards people should be intentional.
Practices in Life
*To give or receive honor
*To build or tear down honor
Our practices in life will either move us closer or farther apart.
Honor continually moves us closer
Jesus always moved closer...even to "scary" people -- the leper, the Pharisees, etc.
You can feel justified because you have built a case against them. You can continually hold their mistakes before you. But you are tearing your honor down. And, when you are then dishonoring people, they can feel your dishonor and disassociation when you're around them.
Honor cultivates peace no matter what. If you are honoring someone, you can be around them and feel at total peace. When you are dishonoring someone, you will crawl out of your skin when you're around them.
In the Bible we see this phrase so often::
"...One Another..."
Hebrews 10:24 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Wanting distance violates core values.
Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
Some translations say "prefer one another" "preferring" is like saying "I understand what you need." Honor is empowering what they need even when you need something from them as well.
Honor is demonstrated in our most intimate relationships.
Recognize one another according to the Spirit. Romans 15:7 "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."
What tools do you have to do that? Jesus interacts with people according to their destiny. Hope never leaves a relationship when you are focused on their destiny and who they really are.
The value of our relationships is what motivates us.
Relationships are a big deal because they represent the QUALITY of our relationship with the Lord.
Eph 4:30 "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."
I Thess 5:19 "Do not quench the Spirit."
These are deeply relational instructions. Basically: Don't break His heart and don't disconnect.
Your posture of honor is to protect the most important relationship in your life::the connection to the love of God.
What keeps us growing as ONE? Held together by honor, trust, love...(Colossians 1:16-17)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thrive.
I am totally on this kick right now about intentionally thriving in this season I am in. Jake, my revival group pastor, has been saying how important it is to not just survive but to thrive. That statement hit my heart in a way that most things don't. So...I'm in this season where I'm spread so thin. I work a full-time job that is overnight and I go to school in the middle of the day. I am a small group leader, which means that I also have to coach -- which I thoroughly enjoy. But, with that responsibility comes relationship. Who complains about wonderful relationships? Not me! But, I find myself asking my heart -- are you giving all of yourself? Are these people you are leading getting half of you or all of you? Is the team you lead on outreach getting all of you? How much am I investing in people? How much am I investing in the people that matter? -- my core. Behind in homework...behind in sleep...allowing drama in my life that just stresses me out even more:::epitome of not thriving.
This has got to stop.
I will myself to rid my life of this drama. I will LOVE completely and fully and, most importantly, unconditionally. But I won't be walked over and I won't be treated without value. Or even treated with only a little value...or value at the convenience of another. No no no no.
I plan to sit here and listen to Imogen Heap's new album...catch up on homework...and leave facebook open for casual conversations with beautiful people:relationship.
This has got to stop.
I will myself to rid my life of this drama. I will LOVE completely and fully and, most importantly, unconditionally. But I won't be walked over and I won't be treated without value. Or even treated with only a little value...or value at the convenience of another. No no no no.
I plan to sit here and listen to Imogen Heap's new album...catch up on homework...and leave facebook open for casual conversations with beautiful people:relationship.
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