I won't be there to break your sweet heart.

Sometimes i fancy myself in my own movie. It is always set in a little place like, oh, New York City. Yet, I've been to NYC and would never want to live there. I was in Manhattan...I much preferred SoHo...and, then whatever little area was around the MET. Anyways, sometimes when I'm just walking around, I know exactly what song would be playing if I was being filmed. Inevitably, each day the song could be different...and, sometimes, depending on the song, my steps are lighter and faster....or slower and more calculated.

This all being said, a lot of times, I look at myself and my situations as if I were an outsider. I look at them as if I were watching a movie. I feel emotions as I am swayed by each look at the movie. I can shut off my emotions if I don't watch the movie.

I find myself having those moments where somewhere voices were overdubbed as the main character reminisces through memories of words past spoken by a lover or friend. I look back at the movie and touch my necklace absentmindedly remembering him notice it, comment, and proceed to tell me just why I would pick it... As I watch that particular movie, I am overwhelmed by familiarity lost. The song playing would be "Title Withheld" by Resident Hero.

Right now, I am learning that love is a choice. I am learning that contentedness is a choice. If I looked too hard at the movie...too hard at circumstances I can't control or can't get back again, I could cry because that girl, Candace, is so sad and deserves more out of life.

But, really, the song playing now is "You Are My Joy" by the Reindeer Section. No, not a cover of David Crowder...
A song that speaks simple truth, simple wonder....but a catchy little happy tune. That's how I feel right now. Speaking simple, hard things...things that hurt. Things that make you wonder.
But, a happy tune. Because I am happy. I am happy right now. I can't deny it. Don't want to.

I have some things I have to do. But I'm happy.

And I see that girl in NYC....really, everyone is watching her stroll down the street...they wonder at her quiet contented happiness. They double take as she lightly takes each step at a time. They can't decide what song is playing in the headphones in her ears. It would be fall/winter. Leaves that have changed would be falling and she'd be wearing a brilliant peacoat with some kind of matching hat and scarf. There would probably be a skirt and some embellished stockings...and, let's face it, there'd be converse tennis shoes.

And, she'd peek out from under those impossibly long, curly eyelashes and then the camera would see it: sparkling, innocent eyes.

All is well here.

Funk is my brother.

I am in a weird place right now...sometimes so aware of His presence...other times feeling just weird. I remember how i used to be when i lived in liberty...different from now. It seems I literally burned more....now, i'm wondering -- is it just a more mature relationship that it looks different or am I just not seeking Him like I should? A little of both?

Either way. I feel that I'm in a funk....

But, yet I feel happy. I feel strong. I feel powerful.

But, I also feel inadequate. I feel far away. I feel close. I feel good. I feel like laughing all day.

What am I worth? What am I worth? What am I worth? What am I worth?

What am I to the world? What am I in the long run? What am I to future generations?

What am I even doing?....

All I know is yesterday my life changed forever...it's about time.

I just poured my vague little heart out...but, it's really not so vague. Just probably more than you knew...or than you knew I would remember...

I don't even think I can do myself justice right now.
So many thoughts swirling about right now.

"When you're fighting to believe in a love that you can't see. Just know there is a purpose for those who wait." --Fireflight

This can't possibly turn into one of those blogs by a girl that is all about guys or is all about wanting to be married or wanting to not be single. It can't turn into that. Yeah, it can't.

But I've gotta get this out. Get some of it out. It can no longer just be festering inside of me...wishing at all hours of the night that I could just sit down and write it all out. Cry it all out. How do I paint this picture enough for a bleeding heart to see it and start to release it? It's like my heart is saying "Paint this so I can see it and no longer bear it."

Junior high, high school, college....all a blur of guy after guy taking my attention. I allowed my mind to paint pictures and hang them on imaginary walls in an imaginary house that I would share with each guy until they walked out. Looking back, none of them were right. Most would say, "They weren't good enough for you, Candace." What does that even mean? That because I have different goals, different intentions, etc. that I am better than they? Hmmm...whatever. They weren't a soul that could link to mine and survive. I know THAT, at least. But, I contented myself in true head-in-the-clouds fashion to create worlds in my mind that involved them in my future. I dreamt of romance and pursuit and happily-ever-after. I secluded my flesh and blood for them, but let my mind wander free without saving it for my future... Honestly though, none were too hard to forget. I've never been in love. Never needed more than a little time to "get over" any guy.

Until now.

What is habit now and what was/is real? What is past tense and what is present tense? Who is this guy? Who was he a year ago? Who will he be a year from now? Who is he now? Gosh. He has no title. Title withheld. Purposely.

If I had to paint a picture of my perfect guy, he would fit some of it. He would fit a lot of it, actually. But, I will not allow myself to romanticize that he is everything I've ever wanted. ((Is that even available...)) Sensitive. Observant. Kind. Pure. Fun. ....Clingy....eek.

It wasn't his constant attention that drew me in. Honestly. I am not so easily suckered. I may have not had much "daddy" approval, but I am too stubborn to ever be "caught" by mere attention. I am loud. I always get lots of attention. I am funny..witty. No, it was HIM. Everything I found out about him intrigued me. Old stories. Watching him handle different situations. I was just fascinated. I was sure that I was looking at a boy that would fall easily for me and that I'd have to keep at bay. I remember shrugging my shoulders when asked what was going on with us two. Shrugging my shoulders with disdain, mind you. There was always an accompanying eye-roll. Something pressed my insides and told me to watch out for this little sneak. But I would turn my phone on silent in order that his constant phone calls couldn't interrupt my sleep and I knew that I was in control of this situation. I didn't need him. In fact, it was he who hung on my every word, my every affirmation, every move... It clearly was about time that somebody realized just how I really did know everything and how I was the authority on how to BE...let him follow. Let him cling. I would toss him my scrap time.

But, then there was that one phone call. There was that text message. There was that way he looked at me with something mischievous in those eyes I had never really looked into. I still wonder how much truth was in those eyes when I first really looked into them.

I wonder why everything changed that one day. In the morning, I started to get uneasy about how I felt a little more like he belonged to me. Then, by that night, I wanted to belong to him for the first time. ....Ok, not the first time I had ever felt that... but the first time I thought it could actually happen. I mean, after all...I have been alone my whole life. That night, he told me I would be his.

Fast forward a couple days...as he holds his breath while I speak. I see him struggling to remain composed...to not let his eyes betray him. I could almost hear him promise himself that if he didn't breathe, then he wouldn't cry. I still felt in control. He was crying. I didn't cry. I didn't budge. I said nice words. I gave a good hug. I promised to keep in contact. And, then with an awkward, "friendly" I-love-you...he was gone. The eyes never lost the sorrow as he waved good-bye. I ignored the pain gnawing at my heart...how could I be sad? This little BOY didn't really get under my skin. Surely, I couldn't admit to anyone that I actually had feelings for him. I would just mask my need for affirmation under the guise of complaints about his contant attention and hope that someone would laugh and say, "Oh my God! He so likes you, Candace!" I would chuckle and revert back to my shrug and roll my eyes...What was I going to do?

Phone call. "To think i might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry. And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly do..."

Text messages. Phone calls. Stupid facebook comments about Dutch Bros.

Birthday. "If I asked your dad to pursue your heart..."

Constant phone calls.

"Well, how DO you feel?...."

My birthday. Text messages from all his friends. Two phone calls. Singing happy birthday. A big package in the mail full of "princess" stuff.

Heart constricts as I hear, "He said that he doesn't have feelings for you, but he really respects you..."
Stop. That's where it stopped.
That's where I no longer felt carefree and starting to feel like a young person that could fall...in......?love? I no longer felt desired and pursued and valued. I felt stung. Like those same eyes that I used to look into were not the same anymore and those eyes had lied to me. Those eyes were no longer safe. Those eyes were no longer beautiful to me. Those eyes would pay. They would never again look into mine and see softness and openness. Never again.

I thought I got over it. Phone calls continued. He toyed with me about his return...all the way until that day when I got a picture message when I had just clocked into work...I couldn't lie that my heart had been struggling to make it through those last couple weeks waiting for him to come back. So many months...or, actually, only a few -- but even a day was too much for me to handle. A legless deity stood in front of my license plate and I gasped and my heart constricted to where my whole body went numb for a good 5 seconds. My first thought, "I didn't wear make up to work and I knew I should have!" I am pretty sure I started to slightly shake with anticipation and forced myself to remain calm and composed. Remember...he doesn't even like you. I walk run down the aisle holding the trash and almost run into him. I drop the trash and just stare at him. He looked thinner. His face looked different. We didn't hug. I playfully punched him in the arm and reminded him that I had told him he couldn't come up to my job because I couldn't even stop and....just take him in.

"CANDACE!...What's your favorite color?" I just closed my eyes, you idiot.

He started ill at ease. As I spoke word after accusatory word, he seemed to sink into the corner of the couch. The blanket across his lap slowly crept up to cover most of his face. I don't even remember seeing more than his eyes. Those eyes. I dared him to tell me the truth. My spirit prompted him to just scream it: I LIKE YOU! Let's make something beautiful here.

Gabriel St. No. I tried to make my tone as flat as possible. I didn't want my heart to tell on me and put my heart laid out in my voice. He turned and faced the opposite window and quietly said, "No, I don't have feelings for you either." He never looked at me. I don't remember who spoke next. It was probably me. Because he still wouldn't look at me. I remember the jumpy feeling...Could I possibly have made you believe me? Could I get away unscathed in the limelight of deception that you would hopefully buy as my truth? Then, I just wanted it to be over and done and back to "normal"...back to when we were together all the time. Comfortable. Important. But, let me be in control again. in control of myself...

"But I want to know everything about you." I can't remember anyone ever telling me that before. I want you to know everything and I want you to want me. I wanted desperately to save face in front of all my friends...and in front of him if he were to ever guess. or wonder. We can't do that. You don't get to know me like that...it's too intimate for "just friends." It was a brilliant ruse. Because I got to say the right thing...but we got to sit on the counters of his apartment and trade "daddy" stories. We laid our vulnerability out between us. We made our sorrows inside jokes. I imagined him as a little boy...impossibly hurt. How could his dad hurt the dark-haired boy with innocent eyes? How could his dad impail this hero-in-training and make him a boy in a man's body -- unable to break habits up to this point? Unable to want to feel anything that hurt...

Lies. Distance. Silent treatment. Christmas.
"It's prophetic." I unwrapped the huge present with a sapphire ribbon. His face waited to see what I thought.
He called me twice over his 2.5 week vacation. Texted some. So different from his last extended absence. My heart beat a little different for the first 2 weeks of 2010.

Michigan. Valentine's Day...my best friend gets engaged as a I sit on the runway of the airport in his home state. He calls me and I hear his voice and ignore the implications of the day.

"They said your intimacy level can't exceed your commitment level. What is our commitment level?" None.
"I hope you never leave."

"What makes you happy?"

England. Skype. Facebook.
Shiny Easter eggs. Reese's. No words.

Lies.

"I NEVER want to walk away from you, Candace."

5 hour talk in front of Yak's. I said so much I didn't mean. I was trying to hurt him. I was trying to regain the control I had lost...8 months before. I think he might have cried. He said he was angry. But that's not the emotion that I felt...at least not the main one. It was this crushing let-down. Suffocating heaviness.
That's so stupid! LAME!
I'm not sure how I feel about that. Can we just see how it goes for awhile?

"Let's talk again at the New Year...we'll seal it with a kiss."

Graduation.
2 weeks.
"I don't want you in my inner intimacy circle. This "close friends" thing isn't working out for me."
Puke. Freedom.

Birthday. Fun. Take it back, please.
"We are close friends. But I still need some space. You didn't DO anything. I just need to work through some stuff ABOUT you."
Will it be like this forever? *laughs* "No!"
I don't understand. Why do I feel like I am being punished? Why do I not know if you care? Why do I not know where I stand with you? What do I mean to you? What have I meant to you? You used to hang on my every word. Pretty much my every move. Why can't my words change THIS? I don't want this. I don't want "space."

Tentative phone calls. Tentative texts.
There's something different here.
Is something new blossoming?
It it good?
Will it last?

Who.am.i.to.you.
who.are.you.to.me.

Stares at a blinking cursor of her computer screen -- wondering how this story ends...
Because you see,I've never felt like this before. I've never thought maybe I could ACTUALLY marry this person. Maybe I could ACTUALLY share my life with this person and be completely known and loved....be a part of his family. Create a family. Change the world. Watch him grow and my claim to him would be real and legit. Then, all the things he remembers....all the little times we touch and spark....could mean something. It could mean what I've saved was worth it if it was to wait for you and SHOW you just how important you are.
And, now, if it's not you -- can this painting ever be destroyed?
And, now, if it's not you -- if it's not the right painting...not the beautiful love story God craftifully, delicately wrote to me, His princess... what does your painting look like? Is it even on the wall of my future? Is it big, vibrant, and in the main room...is it in the attic...
and, also imporant...where do YOU want your painting to be?

I'm not going anywhere.
Run.

Angel in the hallway.

Finally on a break from school. I can sleep!

Christmas is about to be here. Only a few days...Once again, I'm working graveyards on all the holidays and my family is not even close. But, this time, my best friend is gone too. And, many of my other close friends are going home. Fortunately, I have a few close friends around. I believe I will be sleeping the day away and then going to have dinner at a friend's house. (Yay!!)

I feel weird right now. I'm not sad, but I want to cry. There is something stirring in my belly...what are You doing, Holy? I feel anxious but not without hope. I feel uncertain but not fearful. I go to a school where we seek God every day but I can't tell you the last time I just laid down and asked Holy to talk to me. Sure -- I pray probably all night when I work and I pray throughout the day...but, just laying there with no distractions and no where to be for hours and no one around...don't know when the last time that happened was...maybe August. Shoot me. AH.

After I finish with this distraction, I will go do that. Certainly. I will wait to hang up my piles of laundry. I will not watch anymore FRIENDS. I will not get on Facebook or fmylife.com.

Father, are You listening? Something has to change tonight.

"Oh, what a beauty for Me. Set apart this dream for Me!"

I've been listening to the new Flyleaf album almost non-stop since it's release about a month ago. These songs are simply epic. I am so blessed by this album. One song, "Break Your Knees" has a lyric that says, "Don't look at the past again. The First and Last has made everything new and you are too - so lift your head and let your story be told."

So, I started thinking about my "story." I started thinking about my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship and also had family things going on. I was broken, depressed, belittled, devalued, etc. [insert more pitiful words]
I take a step into my mind's eye and revisit that night. June 7, 2002. Warda, Texas. It was a humid, summer night. Countless teenagers stood outside under bright moonlight around a swimming pool. Some were on their face. Some stood with their eyes closed. While some still stood as onlookers, uninvolved. I started out that night as an onlooker. I watched these people cry, scream, shake...I was skeptical. I see Jesus walk towards me slowly. By this time, I was probably on my face searching for who knows what. Searching to feel something, I know that. Searching for a reason to not fear men. Searching for a reason to allow their touch and feel safe. Searching for someone to love me. Searching for someone to find beauty in me.

As I stand off to the side in my memory...I watch my younger self be so uncertain. "He gave me the right. Costing me His life, new mercies in the morning!" "Forgive me, relieve me...I believe! What if I believe You now?" I watch Him pick me up and cradle me...He allowed me to be the one who was taken care of. He allowed me to be held and focused on.

What a love story...what a pursuit. I was in a most dangerous position...raised in church, lived a life of upmost moral values...what could I FEEL like I needed a Savior for? "Who am I that You would bring me this far?" But, I did need a Savior. I still had fallen beneath the standard. And, I was so broken. Sometimes, it's not our choices that we need saving from...sometimes we have to be saved from the choices of others that break us. And, we have to lift our head and let our stories be told because we have survived. And, there's only ONE reason we have survived. One Savior. One Love. "No Man shows greater love than when a Man lays down His life for His BELOVED."

I can go back to that night and see the footprints of a relentless Pursuer. And I feel like I have this huge secret because I know how He sought after me. And I feel so loved. And I feel like there's this huge love story that would rival any story ever told. "If you choose Me, I am waiting for you." And it all just kind of hit me one day while listening to Flyleaf. "It's too much, You're too much." I am so loved. I have been told that almost on the daily at Bethel. But, I finally realized it. Something shifted. Some mindset was brought into alignment. I've never been in love...haha Until now, I didn't know what it felt like. I loved God...and He loved me, duh. But, I'm starting to feel that feeling. It's jittery. It's giddy. It's all-encompassing. It's numbing. It's safe. It's like this big thing everyone wants but no one would understand this THING between you and Him. They can view it...but it's OURS. They can't have what's mine. They can have their own thing. But, this one is MINE.

"Tonight, I become the most dazzling, precious treasure. I am treasured over all the earth!"

Title Withheld.

"No one came as close to making me feel whole. I just thought that you should know."

Piss.

The Posture of Honor.

Notes I took from church this morning....super impacted me. Danny totally put me in my place about some things. dang.

November 8, 2009 --- Danny Silk --- Bethel AM

The Posture of Honor

"...in Him all things hold together." Col 1:17

Posture:to assume an affected or exaggerated pose or attitude

Honor:elevated/glory/respect/prestige

Posture of Honor:to exaggerate how you practice honor in your life toward others

We can do things on purpose or on accident -- but we are supposed to be intentional people. Our honor towards people should be intentional.

Practices in Life
*To give or receive honor
*To build or tear down honor

Our practices in life will either move us closer or farther apart.

Honor continually moves us closer

Jesus always moved closer...even to "scary" people -- the leper, the Pharisees, etc.

You can feel justified because you have built a case against them. You can continually hold their mistakes before you. But you are tearing your honor down. And, when you are then dishonoring people, they can feel your dishonor and disassociation when you're around them.

Honor cultivates peace no matter what. If you are honoring someone, you can be around them and feel at total peace. When you are dishonoring someone, you will crawl out of your skin when you're around them.

In the Bible we see this phrase so often::
"...One Another..."

Hebrews 10:24 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."

Wanting distance violates core values.

Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
Some translations say "prefer one another" "preferring" is like saying "I understand what you need." Honor is empowering what they need even when you need something from them as well.

Honor is demonstrated in our most intimate relationships.

Recognize one another according to the Spirit. Romans 15:7 "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."
What tools do you have to do that? Jesus interacts with people according to their destiny. Hope never leaves a relationship when you are focused on their destiny and who they really are.

The value of our relationships is what motivates us.

Relationships are a big deal because they represent the QUALITY of our relationship with the Lord.

Eph 4:30 "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."
I Thess 5:19 "Do not quench the Spirit."
These are deeply relational instructions. Basically: Don't break His heart and don't disconnect.

Your posture of honor is to protect the most important relationship in your life::the connection to the love of God.

What keeps us growing as ONE? Held together by honor, trust, love...(Colossians 1:16-17)